put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
