my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
