I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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