Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
