Pants 0. Shit 1.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize