I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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