I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
