I hate all girls vehemently.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
