Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
