i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
