her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I want her autograph on my taint
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
