I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
