I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
