Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
