dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
