I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
