I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
