you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
