Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
