Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
