how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
