When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
