About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
