he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize