We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
