R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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