I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
