i wish starbucks made bloody marys
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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