He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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