i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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