My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize