Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize