Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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