my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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