are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
