I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
