my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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