I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
