i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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