I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
