I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Your mouth is God's brothel.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
