Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
