Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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