I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
