my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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