Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
