I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
