paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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