I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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