she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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