Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
