I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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