i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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