You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
