You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize