I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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