Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
