so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
