being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
