Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
What changed your mind?
Being sober
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
