All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
