you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize