he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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