College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
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