he shaved USA in his pubs
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
