I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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