I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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