i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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