My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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